hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
