I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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