I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
