i love accidental penises.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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