He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
