I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
