Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
