if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
