i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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