genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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