Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
