PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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