I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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