The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Randomize
