Your mouth is God's brothel.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Randomize
