if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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