hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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