So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
