I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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