God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
