so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
