Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
