God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize