My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
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