Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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