I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize