if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Randomize
