based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
