Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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