I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
