if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
