did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
