I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Randomize
