You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
