I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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