I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize