Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
