I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
