If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
