is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
