My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize