I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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