And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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