he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
