I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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