Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
