i just sold back the books i vomitted on
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
