I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Randomize
