I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
