She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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