i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
