They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
