So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
