I will die if light touches me.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Randomize
