I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
