We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
