our cab driver is having phone sex.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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