dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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