shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
