he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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