She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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