i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
