You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize