You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
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