Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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