so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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