12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
